The Siamese Supremacy

Sasha Louise Makes Special Appearance in "Apocolypto"

2006-12-30T10:56:00.000-05:00

I was at home last year when my agent called me to make an appearance in Mel Gibson's "Apocolypto." Of course I said yes. It was tons of fun--I got to run pel mel through the jungle, then I attacked and ripped someone's face off in a very violent manner. It wasn't that different than when I tried to kill the Kaiser, so I was well-rehearsed.

Poor Mom is still living in the shadow of my celebrity. No one calls for her anymore--everyone wants to talk to me.

Grandma and Grandpa visited over Thanksgiving, and they bitched mom out for having sushi and not bringing me any. Grandpa is normally very cheap, but he thinks I deserve a $4.00 slice of salmon. He's right of course. Now that I'm famous, I should be eating only the best.

Ciao,

Week of drama

2006-09-04T09:08:00.000-04:00

Every Wednesday night at 9:00, Mom, Fatty Catty and I watch Laguna Beach. We like to see the awesome catfights. And then we usually get into one ourselves. This week has been punctuated by 1. Me and Fatty fighting like a couple of rabid beasts 2. Mom and the Kaiser fighting 3. Me and Fatty fighting again.

Day 1: Mom and the Kaiser come home from an errand to find piles of fur, both black and orange, all over the floor. We seriously tied up. I won, of course.

Day 2: Mom comes home and finds her latest shoe order. She is so hung up on getting her stilettos unpacked, that she puts a package of Pizza Hut hot wings in the microwave to reheat. She forgets that there is foil in the box, and she catches the microwave on fire. This is all within five minutes of her getting home. So she hastily pulls out the flaming box and tosses it out in the yard.

Day 3: The Kaiser rolls up a newspaper and whacks Mom with it because she has obsessive compulsive disorder.

Day 4: Mom takes her shoe off and whacks the Kaiser with it repeatedly because he’s nagging her, and doesn’t recognize her supreme princess authority.

Day 5: More catfights. Kaiser says the three of us are shortening his life span.

Day 6: I have one of my howling Meezer freakouts.

Day 7: Mom is scared to death when she’s on the litter box, and hears something stirring in the shower. Is it Psycho???? No, it’s just Fatty sleeping in the tub

Fatty Catty--XXX rated

2006-07-31T18:48:00.000-04:00

People say how unladylike I am, and yeah, I do indulge in the occasional butt lick. But at least I don't show my naughty bits like this. Fatty Catty is such a tart!

FATTY CATTY--EXPOSED!

2006-07-24T22:57:00.000-04:00

Mom awoke this morning to this scene.

While Mom, the Kaiser and I were happily snoozing, McTabby, unsatiated by chicken McNuggets, went dumpster diving for leftover Popeye's chicken. Note the damning evidence--mangled chicken box, half-eaten chicken breast strewn about. Thank god Mum has her new cellphone camera. Usually the Kaiser doesn't believe it when Mum tells him about his delinquent cat's criminal undertakings. And then, after she raids the garbage, she proceeds to barf all over the rug.

I had a concrete alibi, since I was in the spare room all night in time out. I had attacked McTabby earlier in the evening. Ha Kaiser! Guess your sweet, innocent little tabby isn't so sweet after all.

Humans + PMS = Drama

2006-07-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

Mom has been feeling VERY under the weather lately because of something called PMS and cramps. She's grouchy anyway, but at certain times of the month, she has cajun temper episodes.

This evening, Mom came home and released me from my room, where the Kaiser had locked me up all day. I then attacked Fatty. The Kaiser chased me under the bed, and told Mom he hated me. At which point Mom burst into tears.

The Kaiser insists that Fatty is barfing all the time because she's about to die, and it's our fault. Mom said it's probably a combination of age, cheap ass generic cat food, and stress. She told him that if indeed Fatty is about to croak, perhaps it would be a good idea to take her to the cat hospital. But no, he says he has to wait until he gets paid. Mom offered to foot the bill, but no.

Now there is definitely no love between me and Fatty Catty. But I really don't want the old cow to die.

I admit I may be contributing to the situation, but I'm not the only factor :P Fatty has a notoriously bad diet of chicken nuggets, ice cream, fries and whatever the hell else. Plus she's older than dirt.

So for now, Mom has put us on a two hour rotation. One of us stays in the bedroom while the other roams about. I think she should lock the Kaiser in a closet for a couple hours and see how he likes that.

Kaiser wrecks helicopter; Fatty barfs; Mom Chases off Mormons

2006-06-14T21:28:00.000-04:00

Today has been an exciting week. The Kaiser decided to launch his model helicopter in the basement. When it went out of control (duh) the blades took out Fatty's food dish, and the cheap generic pellets that he buys here went everywhere.

In other news, Fatty barfed in mom's office chair. I decided to smack her one on her very ample hind quarters for that.

Mom chased away some Mormons a second ago. She already told them we're Episcopalean and we're quite happy, but they're hellbent on conversion I guess.

That's about all that's going on right now. I haven't been blogging much because my human typist slave got a new job and is really "busy." :P

Because feral is more fun

2006-06-05T06:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went totally feral on both Mom and Fatty. Mom was trying to do laundry, and I attacked one of her sweatshirts. We played tug-of-war with it for a while, with me howling and hissing when she got it away from me. I was just trying to have fun.

Then I chased Fatty Catty all the way through the house and down the stairs, prompting the skinny dork guy to threaten me. I forsee a meeting between Mom's cast iron skillet and his grill. Well, not really. She's actually going to put me back on Prozac.

I'm gearing up for the big 6/6/06 party tomorrow, so I'm doing my best Devil Cat impersonation. Rowrrrrrr hissss phhhttt!

A Tale of Two Cats and a Pork Chop

2006-05-22T16:13:00.000-04:00

Exhibit A: Fatty Catty (and a piece of the Kaiser's bum). As I mentioned before, Fatty gets to eat ice cream, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers and other non-kosher foodstuffs from McDonalds. She's spent the last ten years with a bachelor, so this isn't entirely unexpected. However, she's such a little beggar. NO table manners whatsoever.

So anyway, the other day Mom and I were sitting down to watch some TV. Mom had reheated a nice juicy pork chop, and was about to chow down on it. She sat it on the coffee table for a bit. Fatty got wind of it. As Mom was watching TV, McTabby inched her fat but off the couch, and proceeded to stalk the pork chop. Then she leaned up on the coffee table with her front paws, and began sniffing and slowly making her way towards her juicy prey. Unbeknownst to her, as her upper half was on the coffee table, I was slowly making my way underneath the table, towards her very large beer gut. Nobody eats my Momma's pork chop!

Just as she's reaching for the pork chop, I attack, dashing at her from below the table, yowling and smacking her gut with my paw (no claws though). It scares the hell out of her and she jumps about five feet in the air. Then she comes down and we get into a fight.

This is pretty much what every day here is like now. Mom is stressed out and says she's going to put all three of us on Prozac by sneaking it into the Kaiser's meat loaf. Interestingly, me and Fatty get along ok (not great, but ok) when the Kaiser isn't around. Mom thinks his macho posturing is adding to the general cat drama.

Kittens of the Corn

2006-05-15T07:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday evening, Mom and the Kaiser were amazed to see me and Fatty Catty sitting together at the dining room window, staring out into the backyard. We were having a stare-off with another kitty, who was hiding just below the ridge of the ditch by our house. We could only see his creepy yellow eyes peering over the bank.

About an hour later, near dusk, there is yet another cat sitting in the same spot, staring into the house with a zombified expression. It sat out there for nearly and hour, and started creeping Mom out. Fatty and I think there is some sort of insidious plan amongst the neighborhood cats. Fatty, of course, is useless in any sort of confrontation, so it will be up to me to save the human servants from the invading cat zombie army.

In other news, the Kaiser has been eating a lot of ice cream bars lately. He actually lets Fatty eat half of it and then he finishes it himself. Mom says it's kind of gross to eat after your cat, but she's eaten after me plenty of times--she just doesn't realize how many times I've licked her pizza and licked her water glass at night. Although she did catch me using her toothbrush one time, and got all dramatic by making a big show of boiling it. Humans are so crazy.

Oh, the drama!

2006-05-09T14:05:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple pics of me and Fatty Catty fighting over the Kaiser. Or that's what he says anyway. We're actually just fighting for the hell of it. Rowr...pffft...hissss!!!!!

THE FACE OF EVIL

2006-05-03T07:06:00.000-04:00

Here is a picture of my arch nemesis. She pretends to be a sweet little cat, but in actuality she is the tabby version of Fidel Castro. Note the resemblance.

My mom says I'm not helping my own case much. Last night, she was telling the Kaiser yet again what a sweet little kitty I am. Of course, just to be obstinate, I had to immediately go into Halloween kitty mode. I started hissing and growling, and my fur stood on end. It was great. The Kaiser now thinks Mom is crazy.

Stalking Fatty Catty is a very amusing way to pass an evening. I hide behind furniture and wait for her to walk by, then I dash at her and scare the bloody hell out of her. I never touch her, but she completely freaks out. She hisses and growls, and sometimes she bitch slaps me, but it's worth it.

Last night the Kaiser was picking on me, so Mom grabbed a yard stick and started smacking him with it and chasing him around. It was great. I should have sold tickets. She TOTALLY kicked his skinny German butt. That's what he gets for oppressing Sasha Louise.

Does anyone want a free tabby?

2006-04-23T09:09:00.000-04:00

Well, we're officially moved. And while I do enjoy having tons more room, I do not enjoy the company of Fatty Catty. She is an oranged striped minion of evil. All this time everyone thought I was the little beastie, but it's actually her. She'll pick on me, and then turn around and act all sweet and innocent. As soon as the Kaiser and Mom leave for work, she lights up a cigarette and starts trolling the internet for tomcats.

The Kaiser is such a sucker for her cute little face. It makes me nauseous. That's ok though, because I have a lot of fun tormenting him at 5:30 in the morning by whacking him in the face with my fluffy tail. Flabby Tabby and I have been fighting every morning precisely at 6:00 a.m. Sometimes I stalk her, and sometimes she stalks me.

The move really sucked. I was scared to death by all the noise, and I hid in the basement. There's a big hole down there, that was dark and sinister looking. So of course, I jumped in it. Unfortunately it was filled with water. Mum said it was the sump pump. She found me soaking wet hiding behind one of her moving boxes.

The Kaiser seems to be under the mistaken assumption that he's alpha cat. He has attempted to stop me from jumping on the kitchen table, the counters and my favorite spot, the top of the fridge. Yesterday I was relaxing on the very tip top of the kitchen cabinets, when that big oaf got a ladder, grabbed me and put me back on the floor. I was not happy.

Well, I'm going to go lick myself and try to torment the Kaiser again.

The toilet -- Earth's final frontier

2006-04-05T07:03:00.000-04:00

Mom has gotten uber vigilant about not leaving the toilet seat down. I, however, have gotten more vigilant about waiting for her to raise the lid. I've been hiding behind the bedroom door, and then as soon as she lifts the lid, I rush in there to drink out of the swishy oasis.

Last night, it was really dark, and Mom was getting up for her nightly 3:00 a.m. trip to the litter box. Since I'm so black, she couldn't see me as I was eagerly awaiting the lifting of the lid. Drowsy and taking her time, she gave me more than enough time to jump up on the seat. Imagine her shock when she sat down on me. I gave her a good Siamese yowl, and then ran out of the bathroom and down the stairs. It scared the hell out of her. Serves her right trying to deprive me of my kitty oasis.

Thank GOD I'm home

2006-03-28T07:19:00.000-05:00

The Kaiser's cat was a complete beeyatch. I finally decided I would tolerate the old cow, and then she started jumping on me. To make matters worse, the Kaiser thinks he's alpha cat. He wouldn't let me climb all over the kitchen counters and the table like Mom does. Mom doesn't want him to know that though.

When they went to put me back into the cat carrier I went completely feral. I ran and hid under the bed. The Kaiser chased me out with the vacuum cleaner and Mom tried to catch me, but I'm too fast for her. She finally grabbed me, at which point I clawed and bit the hell out of her. She dropped me and I took off again, only to be caught by the Kaiser as I was hauling ass for the border. I really let him have it with the vicious hissing. My cute little ears were back and I was doing my best possessed kitty impression.

When I realized I was going home, it was all good. I just couldn't let them think they can stuff me in cat carriers at will, now could I?

Also can you believe that Mom and the Kaiser went out for his birthday and ate SEAFOOD and didn't bring me any?

BREAKING NEWS: SECTARIAN VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT IN N. WICHITA

2006-03-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

(AP) Associated Purr-ess -- Wichita

Our reporters in the field are sending in reports of extreme hissing and growling. Fatty, a N. Wichita tabby told us the following: "I was sitting around minding my own business, when all of a sudden this INCREDIBLY INSANE black cat shows up. The next thing I knew, a rocket propelled grenade exploded right beside me. I dashed behind my litterbox, where I keep my Catlishnikov assault rifle, and immediately returned fire."

There appear to be no casualties at this time. Humans are advised to stay in their homes and take cover.

We will keep you updated at regular intervals.

Let the fur fly

2006-03-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

Well readers, tomorrow will be an experiment in feline Darwinism. I heard mom talking, and this weekend is my first official playdate with my fat soon-to-be-roommate. I'm going to spend the night over at John's Friday and probably Saturday. Uncle Glenn has seen the carnage that ensues when I'm around other cats, but this will be a learning experience for the boyfriend. Think of our two households meshing as Brady Bunch meets the Exorcist.

Anyway, I think Fatty needs to go on a vigorous exercise regimen, so I plan on chasing her around. Also, John spends too much time on the couch, so I think I'm going to shove him off of it like I do Mom. I'm forcing Mom to bring my litterbox, cat food, cat toys and all my other paraphenalia. She says I should just rent a U-Haul. I think I need a tour bus.

I was very sweet yesterday, believe it or not. Was purring like a normal, sweet little kitty. I even cuddled up in Mom's lap. She was petting me and telling me what a sweet little angel I am. Aren't I though?

I think Mom, Glenn and Auntie Johari are going to meet for lunch tomorrow. They better not eat sushi without me. If they come home smelling like sushi, there's going to be trouble.

The Litterbox Oracle

2006-03-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

I am now doing a monthly advice segment, The Litterbox Oracle. Because humans are dumb, and cats are smart, I will answer all of the questions that have been burning in the hearts of humans for millenia. I have all the answers to all the questions of the universe. Stare into my glowing yellow eyes, and let us begin.

IS IT LOVE, OR IS IT FANCY FEAST?

This is a really stupid question, humans. Every time you ask this on t.v., it makes me want to yak up a hairball. Of course it's the Fancy Feast you morons! Do you think we love you for your personalities? We only love you for the tuna, the nip and the kitty treats.

WHY DOES GOD LET BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE?

Probably because you aren't giving your kitties enough tuna, nip and kitty treats.

WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM?

I don't know where normal kitties come from--I can only speak for demon-possessed black Siamese Halloween kitties. We come from Catholic-run kitty orphanages, and are the products of failed exorcisms.

Tune in next month for all the answers to more of life's perplexing questions.

A fellow blogging cat

2006-03-08T07:34:00.000-05:00

I was really impressed with Bloggingcat.com I'm trying to gripe at the Human Servant to upgrade this blog. Unlike me, it isn't very attractive. Prince Muddypaws also has a rather extensive website: http://www.muddypaws.info/ It takes a lot to impress me, so I hope PM is grateful. :P

Sasha

Swan Lake: The Cat Version

2006-02-23T07:03:00.000-05:00

Last night Human Servant and her boyfriend ditched me and Fatty at home and went to the ballet. I knew this had something to do with dance, but I didn't know what it was all about. So I hopped on Human Servant's laptop and did some research. Well, gather round kittens. What you are about to hear is quite shocking.

Apparently, some humans put on feathers and DRESS UP LIKE BIRDS, then dance around on a big stage. Now I have pondered why humans would want to do this, and I have come to the following conclusion: They are doing it purely for the entertainment of cats, and they want us to pounce upon them and eat them.

Therefore, I have devised an ingenious plot. The next time Swan Lake plays Wichita, I will have Mom's boyfriend, J, who is a pilot, fly me downtown on a helicopter. I will lower myself onto the roof ala Mission Impossible. Pair Pair, my accomplice, will create a diversion by pulling the fire alarm. I will then infiltrate the concert hall, and pounce on all the feathery swans. After I attack and eat their feathered tutus, I will escape back to the roof with Pair Pair, and J will fly us back to Siamese HQ.

A Practical Use for Cat Poop

2006-02-17T07:07:00.000-05:00

My human servant will be happy to know that somewhere in the world, cat poop is useful:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/02/17/tiger.poo.reut/index.html

EXCLUSIVE OLYMPIC COVERAGE by Sasha Louise

2006-02-13T07:09:00.000-05:00

Greetings from sunny Turin. This week, I'm representing the US in several Crazed Siamese Cat Olympic Sports. Here is a sampling:

THE HAIRBALL THROW-- Cough up hairball and project as far as possible, preferably into owner's shoe.

THE BATHMAT SLALOM -- Run as fast as possible, hitting bathmat. Surf on bathmat until you hit the side of the tub, and then run off. The human hates to come home to see her mat wadded up and mangled.

THE MOUSE FETCH -- This one speaks for itself. Human throws mouse, I fetch it. Extra points for running over human during retrieval.

BUG WRESTLING -- Pounce on creepy crawly as quickly as possible. Then eat it. Bigger bug = more points.

THE CURTAIN CLIMB -- Scale extremely expensive chiffon curtains until you can hang off the curtain rod by your toes. Which brings me to

THE PARALLEL BARS -- Swing from curtain rods. Dismount need not be graceful, as long as it scares the hell out of someone.

THE DOWNHILL RACE -- Scare the living hell out of Mom's boyfriend, then chase him down the stairs and out the door.

Apocolypse Meow

2006-01-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

I just heard a horrible rumor that I'm getting a sister. For the sake of everyone involved, it better not be true. I keep hearing mom and J (aka the Kaiser) chatting about buying a house. This would mean I would be stuck in the same house with his fat diva tabby. THERE IS ONLY ONE DIVA IN THIS TOWN, AND THAT IS ME! So that tubby little tabby better watch it, because if she and I are in the same house, it's on. It's bad enough she's charmed my mom into thinking that cats are sweet, rather than demon-possessed little beasties. She is eroding all the human training I've been doing these last three years.

Fortunately for me, Auntie Johari pointed me to this great book, When Cats Assassinate

J thinks that he and mom can socialize us enough, but need I remind everyone of the kitty shelter, and my behavior therein. Uncle Glenn can tell you all about my inability to get along with inferior cats.

In the kitchen with Sasha Louise

2006-01-09T07:02:00.000-05:00

Greetings inferior human bipeds,

This weekend was quite eventful. Mom has been off rehearsing for the big dance show, as well as hanging out with J, so I've been acting out. Mom used to cook more at home, and I always enjoyed jumping up on the stove and licking her pans, with or without food in them. I remember once she left an uncooked meatloaf unattended for merely a few seconds, and I had a great time licking it.

Well, now that she's hooked up with J and his cat, she cooks over there now. Apparently J's cat is too fat to jump up on the counters, so she can cook cathair-free. Once again though, I've outsmarted her. Yesterday she pulled out her big glass casserole dish, because she was going to make her fabulous Chicken Parmesean over at J's house. Well, I decided to use her casserole dish as a napping spot. I curled right up in it, and fit nicely. Mom wasn't happy with the CAT-serole. To make things even better, she reheated some turkey and gravy, and was eating on her coffee table. Because she was ignoring me, I sat in the middle of her plate. I ended up with gravy all over my butt, but it was worth seeing her jump up and start yelling.

In other news, I think she's worn out her welcome with Cat L., (J's cat). When she stays over, Cat leaves pooplettes right by the front door, rather than in the litter box. This is her way of sending a hint.

Pest Control = Human Control

2006-01-06T07:39:00.000-05:00

Mom came home for lunch Wednesday because the Pest Control people were going to spray our apartment, and she was afraid they would let me out and/or hurt me. Well, she should have been more worried about them.

As she drove up and got out of her car, she saw the pest control guy sprinting down her stairs and out the door. She asked him what the hurry was, and he explained how her VICIOUS BEASTIE of a cat bit him on the ankle, after going into Crazed Halloween Kitty mode. He looked pretty scared as he was dashing out the door. With my taste for human blood satiated (am I spelling that right?), Mom found me curled up in a little ball on the couch, purring contentedly and licking the blood from my enormous fangs of death.

Moving along, last night Mom got out of the shower to find a pooplette on her bathmat again. I know she's probably too smart (snicker) to fall for that again, but I figured I'd try. This morning, she left the toilet lid up and caught me drinking out of the loo again. I don't know why toilet water tastes better than that from the sink, but it does.

Mom is still cheating on me with that fat lump of cat over at J's. I swear, she's such a sucker for cute guys and their sweet, fat little kitties. Bleah.

Human servant's lifespan to be shortened considerably

2005-12-20T07:09:00.000-05:00

Well...I bugged the human servant's phone and found out she made an appointment to take me to the vet on Thursday evening. I am NOT A HAPPY CAT right now. So, I'm plotting to escape and/or hogtie the human servant so she can't take me in to the awful Cat Hospital.

In other news, Mum and J are trying to set me up on a playdate with his cat to see how we'll get along. He doesn't realize that I turn into Exorcist Kitty around other cats. I look forward to educating him on feral cat behavior, as well as humiliating Mum. His cat is old and fat, so I'm pretty sure I could take her in a smackdown.

Uncle Glenn...

2005-12-07T20:30:00.000-05:00

Will you please catsit me for Christmas? Look how sweet and innocent I am! I promise to behave! Mom says she's willing to pay you.

Love,
Sasha Louise

Thanksgiving recap

2005-12-01T19:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I had an amusing Thanksgiving. The Grandparents kept me quite entertained. Sometimes Grandpa would fall asleep and I'd have to poke him awake to shake the feather toy again. He also is on some strange medication that makes him go to the litterbox, so every five minutes when I tried to use the loo, he was in there. That's ok though, because he made up for it by constantly playing "Kill the Birdie" with me.

That didn't stop me from going for his Thanksgiving dinner though. He made his 90th trip to the litterbox, and I hopped right up on his chair to chow down on some turkey and fixins. Well, Mean Human Mom stopped that by spraying me with the spray bottle. I got sprayed so much during that meal that I was soaked. I'm going to get her later for sure.

I also enjoyed seeing the Granparents gripe Mom out a lot, while venerating me and telling me how cute and sweet I am.

Stop reading here if cat poop bothers you.

In other news, last night Mom was in the shower, getting all cleaned up so she could go over to the Kaiser's house to work on her stupid costumes. I decided to use the litterbox of course. I love to stink up the bathroom while she's in the shower. As you all know, I'm a longhair, and I have a very furry little butt. Sometimes this causes "hangers on." Since cats don't use toilet paper, I have no choice but to wipe my furry bum on whatever happens to be available. This time, it was Mom's bathmat. So, I did the deed, and left a nice little pooplette on the rug just for her. I was sitting on the toilet seat, anxiously awaiting her stepping in it. But as she got out of the shower, she saw it! Doh! She called me a "little sh*t" which I guess is pretty descriptive all things considering. I took off and ran in the bedroom laughing to myself.

Just another day in the life of me.

Evette: The E True Hollywood Story

2005-11-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Uncle Glenn recently decided to haul Evette into the MRC to do professional portraits of her. Little did he know she would turn into a diva of epic proportions. I have a taped conversation in fact, where Uncle Glenn tells Mom that his sweet little kitty went completely FERAL. He said she was hissing and growling like a rabid animal. He gave her kitty treats and she gnashed her teeth, growled and hissed while she was eating them, like some crazy lion on the wild, slashing a gazelle to death. Apparently she scared the hell out of his assistant.

I told you Uncle Glenn's kitties weren't all sweet and loving! Nyah Nyah!

Happy Sashaween Pathetic Humans

2005-10-31T06:10:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight I'm going to be out with the other black kitties terrorizing the neighborhood. I just wanted to drop in, wash the blood off, and tell you all Happy Sashaween.

I have major dirt on Uncle Glenn and his kitties, and I'll be posting that when I'm back from my reign of doom.

Sasha 3, Human Mom 0

2005-10-19T22:04:00.000-04:00

For reasons known only to my furry little brain, I've declared jihad on Mom's cordless phones. It started about a month ago. She came home to find both her phones off the hook, and dead. She thought she was going crazy hehe, and had forgottten to put them back on the charger. Well, the next day, she comes home from work to the same thing. And again, and again.

The other night at 2:00 a.m., she awakened to a mysterious beeping. At first she couldn't locate the source, but then she peeked over the bed to see that I had knocked the headset off the charger, and was pushing one of the buttons, because I love to wake mom up with repetitive beeping noises. "Sasha dammit!" she yelled. BEEP! I kept pushing the button with my little paw. BEEP BEEP BEEP!

She ran me out of the bedroom finally and went to sleep. The next morning, she duct-taped her phones to the chargers. As if that would thwart me! She came home yesterday to find I had just knocked the entire phone systems off the table. Her answering machine is kind of not working too well now.

Meanwhile, when she comes home from work, I'm being disarmingly sweet and cuddly. I'm saving up for Sashaween. I have lots of things planned muwhahahahahaha.

Uncle Glenn is a brown-noser!!

2005-10-18T20:39:00.000-04:00

I was MOST disheartened to hear through the kitty grapevine that Uncle Glenn and his so-called adorable, sweet little kitties will be featured on the Wichita Cat Hospital's website. Did I get a call? Or so much as even an acknowledgement? Oh hell no.

But gather round little kittens. Uncle Glenn, Maurice and Evette have a dirty little secret. You see, Maurice and Evette aren't sweet all the time. Sure, they purr a lot, and sit around listening to Donovan, basking in sweetness and light. But, sometimes there's trouble in paradise. Sometimes Uncle Glenn calls up Mom and is absolutely EXASPERATED with Maurice and Evette's sibling rivalry and bickering. Sometimes they actually have CATFIGHTS. In fact, I have secret tapes of the three of them HISSING and fighting like three rabid hyenas.

Perhaps if they send me several cans of Chicken of the Sea tuna, I won't mail said tapes to the Cat Hospital and the Wichita Eagle.

Hissy hiss,
Sasha

I'm getting paroled tomorrow

2005-09-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

Mom says she's bailing me out of the lockup tomorrow. I'm pretty pissed, and will probably make her miserable for the next week. Usually I give a few days of the silent treatment, followed by biting the crap out of her on a daily basis.

In other news, the whole NE kitty community is abuzz with the news that Uncle Glenn locked himself out of his house. Evette reports laughing at him from the other side of the window as he struggled to find a way in. She figured this was payback for the time he forgot about her and left her overnight at the vet's.

Gee I never have that problem. If Mom doesn't pick me up right away, they start calling her and bitching her out. For some reason, they don't like me. Can't imagine why.

Feline Prison Blues

2005-09-27T07:30:00.000-04:00

Saturday Mom dumped me off at Camp Cupcake Kitty Prison, also known as Countryside Pet Resort. Now I know how Martha Stewart felt. I howled all the way to Andover. I finally quit howling Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. I admit that I like the kitty play room with the aquarium, but I would stillrather be at the casa. Mom says there are maintenance guys working on the apartment this week, and she doesn't want me to bite them again. I'm already trying to engineer a prison break. I've been slipping notes to the kitties on my cellblock, including a big fluffy gray Persian named Conan. However, I can't seem to motivate him to help me. All he does is sleep and lick himself. I've tried howling and poking him, but he just lays there like a big bump on a log. What is with these other cats? Don't they want to be free? The rest have elected me leader of their prison gang. I'm gnawing one of the bars of my cage into a shank right now, so I better go.

Oh humans....

2005-09-22T21:55:00.000-04:00

I know ya'll don't have fur, but is this how you make up for it? You go outside looking worse than my litterbox?

I've been looking at human celebrity fashion lately, and I just don't get it. I mean, I know humans are dumb, but even my Mom has the sense to not wear white socks with flip-flops.

If I saw this guy on the street, I would bite him immediately.

Speaking of socks, that rumor about me liking to roll around in Nihad's pile of dirty socks is blatantly false!

Full Moon Fever

2005-09-20T22:51:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was a full moon so I decided to scare the bloody hell out of Mom again. Because I'm bored, and I need some practice for Halloween, I pretend to be demon possessed or possessed by jinn. It makes my life much more exciting. I have fun scaring both Christians and Muslims, because I believe in religious diversity.

So, around midnight, whilst Mom was up reading, I ran into the living room suddenly and started my unearthly howling. Then my hair stood on end and I started running around the living room howling, and knocking things over. Mom told me to calm down, but instead my ears went back and I started levitating sideways across the living room floor. Whenever I do the levitating sideways Siamese move, the humans really get scared. At that point, Mom leapt onto the couch and started reciting the Lord's Prayer in Latin, since that was all she could think to do at that moment. I started hissing, and baring my fangs menacingly. Finally she yelled "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" and I finally plopped down and started purring and licking myself, as if nothing had happened.

It was a very enjoyable evening. I only wish I had it on video. The only thing more fun than scaring Mom is eating live mice.

Nota Bene, Humans

2005-09-14T18:18:00.000-04:00

Greetings inferior furless bipeds. In case you haven't noticed, Halloween is rapidly approaching. Not only am I the official Spokescat of Halloween, but it's also my birthday. So I want you all to immediately go buy me gifts! Right now! I want sushi, mice and kitty treats. Or else!

The Black Cats Union Local 13 had a meeting recently to plan our yearly campaign of human intimidation. I got to practice on Nihad, who came down this weekend to visit. I enjoyed biting him several times, and poking him in the face with my paw when he fell asleep during the movie mom rented.

So far, the plan is to scare the hell out of as many humans as possible, particularly my mom. Recently, Mom was listening to "Nativity in Black" by Black Sabbath, and I did my best demon-possessed cat impression. I ambushed her as she came out of the bathroom. Gnashing teeth, crazed appearance, the works. So now Mom is afraid to listen to her Black Sabbath cds around me. I got extra pay for that from the Union.

Well, it's time to go back to napping and licking myself. Have to save up my strength for tonight when Mom gets home.

My mom is a big meanie.

2005-08-29T18:49:00.000-04:00

This morning as I was languishing in my mom's chair, amongst my blankie and pillows, my Mom suddently GRABS me and STUFFS ME IN THE CAT CARRIER! Then she takes me to the Cat Hospital! I howled all the way there. When she took me inside I hissed and growled at the other kitties. They were looking at me like "What's your problem?" Obviously they're too dumb to realize what happens to them at the evil vet's. So, the vet says I have conjunctivitis in one eye, and mom is going to have to treat me with the antibiotic salve again, which is a lot of fun for both of us. As usual, the human servant was about to cry when she dropped me off. Lately, she's gotten way too attached and overprotective. She's starting to treat me like her mom treats her. Geez, Mom cut the umbilical cord already! But not before you bail me out of the vet's.

I've been a bad kitty

2005-08-24T20:04:00.000-04:00

Grandma came up to visit to help mom clean the Imperial Palace of Sasha Louise. I made sure to stick my nose in everything they were doing, much to the annoyance of Grandma. We had a couple of small skirmishes when she didn't recognize my superior intellect and authority. I bit her several times . She finally got the picture and cleaned off the pretty glass kitchen table, which I then adorned with my little paw prints. I've been sleeping on the new expensive placemats too. They're very cool on my bum. Mom is mad that she keeps having to Windex the table, but she just doesn't understand the artistic beauty of cat tracks on the furniture.

Uncle Glenn and Aunt Anna came over for a pizza party. In the middle of their dinner, I had the uncontrollable urge to march into the dining room and lick my butt.

Adios, asshole chihuahua

2005-08-17T22:27:00.000-04:00

The stupid chihuahua from nextdoor finally moved out. My plot to run him off was a fabulous success. Chewy was the most annoying little rat dog I've ever seen. Plus he bit my mom because she smelled like me. And no one bites my human servant except me!

Granny Meredith is on her way as I write this. I'm pretty excited. She always brings me lots of mice and kitty treats. Unfortunately Grandpa Bill is staying at home, which sucks because he's my favorite human. Around him, I act like a normal, sweet, loving little kitty. I like to purr and rub on his ankles. I think Grandma was mad about that, because I kept biting her. I bit Grandma because she kept sleeping in my chair. When she still didn't move, I just kept stepping on her, and running over her when she was sleeping. Somewhere, mom has a great picture of that, but grandma would be pissed if she posted it.

We'll try to get some adorable pics of me this weekend.

Graceful kitty acrobatics

2005-08-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

I'm sort of annoyed at Mom right now. The other day, she ordered a new food processor and it came in a very inviting cardboard box. I love to hide in cardboard boxes. Plus, I'm nosy and I have to check each and every box, just in case there's a kitty treat, or a dead mouse or something.

Unfortunately for me, I overestimated the size of the box. It was somewhat tall and narrow. So I jumped in, but then I couldn't get down in it. My hind parts were sticking straight up in the air and I was stuck. I started paddling my back feet in the air trying to get better control of situation. That's when Mom started laughing at my furry little butt stuck in midair. I finally turned the box over, and ran into the bedroom and sulked for a while. Honestly! Can't the human order food processors in bigger boxes? In the meantime, I've taken over her nice rolling suitcase and it's now filled with several pounds of cat hair.

So now that she has Chef Tony's Ultimate Chopper, she's been making all sorts of stuff for herself. But is she making anything for me? Nooooo. Last night I ordered a tuna smoothie, and she still hasn't fixed it! The service around here really sucks.

It's all about ME ME ME!

2005-07-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

Human mom has been spending entirely too much time on the phone. Therefore, I've started taking my little paw and knocking her cordless phone off the charger while she's at work. So, she comes home every day and her phone is dead. She needs to learn that all her waking hours should be spent entertaining me, not yacking on the phone. Thinking she was clever, she duct-taped the headset to the base. But I just knocked the whole thing off, damaging the answering machine. So she gave up.

In another instance of cat abuse, she's started locking me in the bedroom when she irons her clothes. I can't help it if I felt the urge to attack her nice skirt. It was dangling off the ironing board just asking to be attacked.

2005-06-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

Here's me and Nihad at my birthday party last year, when I turned two. I was somewhat grouchy because the cake didn't contain any mice or tuna.

2005-06-27T19:32:00.000-04:00

Worship me humans
Here's a picture of me from last year. I'm so photogenic. Human mom is trying to figure out how to use a new blog picture-posting program.

Summer in the City

2005-06-17T19:06:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy plotting my world takeover. And licking my hind parts.

This morning mom yawned and I stuck my furry paw in her mouth. That got her awake pretty quickly. It took her all morning to get the cat hair off her tongue. And then yesterday I popped her with a rubber band. Since, Nihad left, she's the only person I have left to torment. One of the main reasons Mom misses him is because his presence distracted me from biting her.

Yesterday I also tried to bust through the balcony door. Those stupid little birds keep flitting around out there, and I really want to eat them. I was getting a running start and charging the door, trying to break it down with my shoulder. Mom says we've been watcing too many episodes of Law & Order, but I actually learned how to break down doors from my Grandpa Bill, who is a kickass law enforcement agent. Don't let that facade fool you though. He's a closeted cat person. Mom and I sent him a couple DVDs for Father's Day BTW. He's like me--loves lots of action and violence.

What's with this dry cereal crap?

2005-05-12T19:30:00.000-04:00

The food has gotten really crappy around here. I'm getting the same dry cereal every day. I haven't had tuna in a week. Mom said she hasn't been able to get to the store. I reminded her that I'm a cat, not a prison inmate, and as such shouldn't be subjected to subpar cuisine.

I've been very grouchy since Nihad moved to Kansas City. He was the last catsitter I had left. Now Mom is going to have to go back to Glenn and beg him to catsit. I doubt he'll do it though considering my intolerance of other kitties. I really show my little butt over there.

Mom graduated with her M. L. S. this week. I should go to college. I'm way smarter than her.

Human-sitting again

2005-04-06T20:50:00.000-04:00

While mum has been at class, I've been keeping an eye on her boyfriend. So I had to move in with him temporarily. As usual, the accomodations were first class, and I had a fabulous vacation.

One night, Nihad made the mistake of leaving his foot exposed, peeking out of the covers. When I started licking his big toe, he was afraid to move, lest I bite him. So, he pretended to be asleep as I used his wet toe to clean behind my ears. Mum says it's about time his toe is good for something.

In other news, I instant messaged Nihad's sister's cat in Palestine for the first time. Cellular technology is great. My arab counterpart says that kitties over there get table food. I don't think it's fair that I have to eat crappy dry cereal while Middle Eastern kitties get to eat leftovers. Mum won't even give me any pizza toppings. She's a crappy mom.

Well, I have business to attend to.

Auvoir,
Sasha Louise

Downward Facing Cat

2005-03-04T19:23:00.000-05:00

Once again, Mom is on a fitness kick as part of her New Year's resolution list. She's become obsessed with Pilates and Yoga. Fortunately for her, I'm very flexible, so I get down on her yoga mat with her and demonstrate various yoga poses and Pilates series.

Today, during Pilates, we worked on the Single Leg Stretch with Butt Lick, the Siamese Rollover, Single Paw Side Kick Series, and the Mouse Teaser.

After that, we did some yoga poses, such as Downward Facing Cat (formerly known as Downward Facing Dog), Scratching Post Pose, and Tail Salutations.

Mom also has this big inflatable rubber ball that she works out on. Even though she's not very good at it, it's quite amusing to watch her bounce around the living room. Sometimes she rolls off and falls on her butt.

Namaste silly humans.

Sasha Louise

Rural Cat Drama Results in Neutering

2005-02-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

Last week, my black cat operative in Wesson, Lightning, made a tactical error. Having been chased up an oak tree by my grandma's cat-eating malamute, he found himself stranded. Grandma is a cat person, so she was going to try to lure Lightning down with some tuna. But first, she had to get the dog away from the tree.

This proved easier said than done. Balto the malamute is much smarter than we thought, and wouldn't let anyone catch him. So, Grandpa went to the vet and got some doggie valium, which they put in some raw hamburger. After he was doped up, he fell asleep, and Grandpa incarcerated him in the pen. Shame on Balto for running a sweet little black kitty up a tree.

However, Lightning wouldn't come down for about five more days. Finally someone called the neighbors, and they figured out who Lightning's mom is. She came and picked him up after Grandpa finally managed to lure him down with some tuna.

Grandma lost about three nights of sleep, and poor Lightning is going to become a eunuch this week. Uncle Glenn thinks he'll be like Maurice and gain 20 pounds and become a big pussycat. Just what this world needs. Another fat docile lap kitty. :P

Post-Thanksgiving Report

2004-12-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I went to Nihad's for Thanksgiving, while Mom went to her parents' house. I wish she could have brought me home, because I love my grandpa Bill, but Mom said her huskies like to eat kitties.

Anyway, Nihad's house was fun. Especially when I got to run off house guests. One of Nihad's friends from Nablus, Leo was visiting along with his wife. They live in Kansas City now and have two useless housecats who sleep all the time. So I took it upon myself to educate them about feral cat behavior. Not only did I do a lot of howling, I also bit Leo's wife on the ankle. Mom called her from down south and apologized. What was I supposed to do? She was sitting on my couch.

I think Nihad is mad at me because I drug my butt across his newly-cleaned carpet to get rid of litterbox hangers-on. He called mom and told her that that was a clear sign I was ready to go home. Whatever. Mom keeps asking me how such an intelligent creature can't get the hang of using toilet paper. I asked her how someone fluent in a 2,000 year old dead language can't seem to program a VCR. Meow! Hisssssssss!

I hope all you humans shared your turkey with your kitties.

Sasha Louise

PRESIDENTIAL DECLARATION

2004-10-30T14:11:00.000-04:00

George Bush, President of the United States of America

White House

I, George Bush, President of the United States, do hereby declare Sasha Louise Lewis to be the official Spokescat of Halloween. Furthermore, henceforth Halloween will be called "Sashaween."

Throughout her career as a black cat, Sasha has terrorized many, both humans and dogs. Her behavior is so scary that she is the perfect choice for Halloween Spokescat, despite the fact her mother is a Democrat.

Sincerely,

George W. Bush

Grandparents are pretty good, for humans

2004-10-24T16:11:00.000-04:00

My grandparents are up here visiting me, and they've been quite entertaining. I already have grandpa wrapped around my little paw. He's considerate enough to leave the toilet lid up, so that I may drink out of my private kitty oasis. Nothing cleanses the palate like fresh toilet water. Mom is mean and closes the lid all the time. Mom says men always leave toilet lids up, which is one reason why I like them more.

I bit grandma yesterday. Her ankle got in my way when I was being brushed.

Grandpa is coming over later to play with some yarn.

Well, I'm off to take a catnap and do some plotting. I heard a rumor that my humans were going to eat salmon tonight while I'm stuck here eating this crappy dry cereal.

Dinner Ambiance Ruined by Rotten Kitchen Help

2004-10-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend, Mom, aka Human Slave, aka Kitchen Slave was cooking a fabulous dinner for Nihad and I. I watched her cook for two hours, slaving over the hot stove, while I licked myself and watched t.v. I finally decided to stay off the kitchen counter, so Mom decided to go ahead and set the table. She brought out her finest china and silverware, and set out a dinner salad with her own homemade vinaigrette. I wasn't too interested in the salad, since I'm a carnivore. So, after Nihad ate his salad, Mom went back into the kitchen to fix up the main entree and the bread, which she did in a matter very becoming a cat servant.

I decided I could no longer resist the tempting scent of beef and okra stew over basmati rice. I noticed Mom had thoughtfully pulled out a chair for me, so I jumped on it, sat down and began to dine on my scrumptious dinner with Nihad, my business agent. We had a lot to talk about. He's been thinking about importing olive wood statues from the Holy Land, and I'm negotiating with him for a line of olive wood cats. Carved in my likeness of course.

Well, just as I'm enjoying the tasty morsels of beef, Mom turns around and screams, and then SPRAYS ME with the awful spray bottle. Apparently, she had the nerve to think that MY SEAT was hers. She then felt the need to steal my plate and proceeded to eat my food.

In response to this travesty, I'm going to go live with Nihad for a few days, and send her to graduate school. Furthermore, I licked her few remaining bits of junk food, including some chips and a donut.

Sasha Louise the Peeved Siamese

Put this on your calendar human slaves!

2004-09-03T19:25:00.000-04:00

My birthday is October 31. You may ship your presents to my human slave and she will pick them up at the post office. Here is a small list of gift ideas:

One dozen live rats
Flock of birds
Salmon fillets
My own set of towels, so Mom won't keep hogging mine
Larger litterbox
Bigger trashcan for easier dumpster-diving
Several new feather toys, of varying colors
12-foot cat tree

My grandparents are coming up for my birthday. I hope they bring lots of presents. If they don't I'm going to bite them. We're going to have a big party, where people will feed me, pet me and stare at me worshipfully.

Friday the 13th Unlucky for Local Black Cat

2004-08-22T23:15:00.000-04:00

Last Friday the 13th, while other black kitties were out crossing humans' paths and giving them seven years of bad luck, I was in the kitty prison, otherwise known as the Wichita Cat Hospital. Nehad had just spent two days de-furring his place so he went on strike.

As usual I hissed at all the other cats, and they had to cover my cell with a blanket because I kept howling.

After mom bailed me out, the vet gave me a prescription for Prozac, which isn't half bad. I make mom give it to me in tuna juice. She thought she could put it in kitty treats, but I smelled it. I'm so much smarter than her. So now I get fresh fish every night. Mom is complaining about the cost of human tuna, but I think if she's going to dope up her sweet little kitty, she better give me the best.

It's all good though. I sat down with my calculator and figured out how many years of bad luck mom is going to have. Since I've been crossing her path many times a day for a whole year, by my calculations, she's looking at about 500 years. My work is done.

Abnormally mellow,
Sasha

Cats de-mousing Russian museum

2004-08-22T14:59:00.000-04:00

Here's an interesting article about museum guardcats. http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/europe/08/21/museum.mousers.ap/index.html

Russians apparently know how to treat cats.

Meow,
Sasha

Very productive weekend

2004-08-08T22:55:00.000-04:00

Well, this weekend I successfully impaired mom's ability to do her homework by constantly bugging her, sticking my bum in her face while she attempted to type, stepping on her keyboard, etc.

I managed to swipe some pizza toppings while mum left her pizza slice unattended. I just love onions and bell peppers.

Mom was happy because Grandma Meredith sent her a box of bling-bling. Ever since she became a bellydancer, she's gotten even more attracted to shiny things, so everytime I turn around, she's got a new rhinestone something or other. She actually found a place that sells kitty bling-bling, but I won't wear a collar so that's out. She really wanted a personalized rhinestone nametag for me though. Stupid humans, thinking we wear cheap jewelry. Doesn't she know I won't wear anything less than platinum?

I heard a nasty rumor that I was going to be boarded next weekend when mum goes to Oklahoma City. The Cat Hospital is the feline equivalent to Abu Ghirab prison. They poke and prod innocent little kitties with big needles, called "vaccinations" in the hopes that they'll talk.

Well, I better start making my prison shank, in case I have to stab a vet assistant to escape.

Meow,
Sasha

Attack of the Clones

2004-08-05T17:27:00.000-04:00

Notice the names of these little kitties. Someone in the company must be Middle Eastern, or at least likes Middle Eastern food. Tabouli is my mum's favorite salad and she forces Nehad to make it all the time.

Mum says she's going to clone me and send my copy back to the cat shelter so that they might experience the joy that is Sasha Louise.

Company Says It Clones Copy CatsThu 5 August, 2004 13:05
By Maggie Fox, Health and Science Correspondent
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Two cloned kittens have been born using a new cloning method that may be safer and more efficient than traditional methods, a U.S. company said on Thursday.
Genetic Savings & Clone promises to clone anyone's pet -- for $50,000 or so -- and started with chief executive officer Lou Hawthorne's own pet cat.
The two kittens, Tabouli and Baba Ganoush, were born to separate surrogate mothers in June, the company said.
Its report was not submitted for the traditional scientific review process and has not been scrutinized by cloning experts.
But the company is less interested in the scientific questions and medical promise of cloning and more interested in its business model -- helping people make copies of their beloved pets.
"These two remarkable kittens should finally put to rest the issue of resemblance between clones and their genetic donors," Hawthorne said in a statement.
"When performed by a skilled team using sufficiently advanced technology, clones resemble their donors to an uncanny degree -- just as we predicted. It's a happy day for our clients."
Some experts have argued that cloning pets is a gamble, as non-genetic factors, such as conditions in the mother's womb, can affect coat color and temperament.
The company used a new method called chromatin transfer, which had been perfected by cloning expert James Robl and colleagues at Sioux Falls, South Dakota-based Hematech LLC. Hematech is using the method to clone cattle that produce human antibodies in their milk.
The traditional nuclear transfer method of cloning involves taking the nucleus from a cell of the animal to be cloned, putting it into an egg cell with its own nucleus removed, and then triggering this egg into growing as if it had been fertilized.
It is not efficient -- most eggs die -- and many animals are born deformed.
Chromatin transfer aims to produce a cloned embryo that more closely resembles a normal embryo.
It involves dissolving the outside of the nucleus of the cell to be cloned and removing certain regulatory proteins from the chromosomes, which carry the genes, and the proteins around the chromosomes.
This entire cell with its permeable nucleus is fused to an egg cell to create the clone.
Genetic Savings & Clone said it has tried the method to duplicate Tahini, a 1-year-old female Bengal cat belonging to Hawthrone. Bengals are specially bred crosses of Asian Leopard Cats and domestic cats.
The company has contracted to produce five more clones for clients by the end of the year.

DemoCATic Convention

2004-07-29T19:21:00.000-04:00

I don't foray into human politics that much. After all, I am world dictatrix and have more important things to do, like nap and poop. However, Mum has found a website that is making her more excited than a kitten chasing a yarnball. Do take a look at Cats For Kerry. Mum will be getting a bumper sticker for my cat carrier, and possibly a t-shirt.

Library Cats

2004-07-28T22:59:00.000-04:00

Mom informs me that there is a whole website devoted to library cats. Click on the previous link and you can track them down by geographical location. My Arkansas cousins should check out the library cats in their area. Another black cat comrade managed to infiltrate the ranks of the Arkansas School for the Blind library.

Mom says I would suck at being a library cat, and that patronage would drop off dramatically. Furthermore, I'm not lazy enough to be a library cat.

Mom is going through another kitten phase, and she would love to have a Chartreau. For those of you uneducated humans, these blue-colored cats are French and historically protected medieval manuscript libraries from evil, book-munching rats. What I wouldn't give for a night of stalking rats in a dank medieval monastary. Tasty. Maybe I should call Mary M., a certain former nun with whom I am well acquainted, and see if she can hook me up.

Who needs internet filtering...

2004-07-25T15:30:00.000-04:00

when you've got a neurotic cat?

Today, Nehad was on his computer. He has a nice computer desk with three levels. On the lower level there's a slide-out keyboard tray. The second level is a writing desk, with a large area. This is where he puts the mouse. Then the monitor is on a shelf above.

He decided he would rather ignore me and surf the net than play, so I plopped my little furry butt on the shelf with the mouse. Everytime he reached for the mouse, I would meow angrily and swat him with my paw. If he didn't heed my warning, I would bite him. He tried to outsmart me by using the keyboard shortcuts, but that didn't work either. I kept attacking his fingers as he tried to type.

Later, I got a bad case of gas. Nehad decided to get even with me by burying my feather toy in his huge load of dirty, smelly socks. I dove right in of course to retrieve it. While I'll have to say his socks didn't smell like a bed of roses, they weren't that stinky. My litterbox has made me impervious to bad smells.

I don't understand these humans sometimes. When will they learn that when I want to play, they need to drop everyting.

VERY AGGRESSIVE CAT

2004-07-22T17:35:00.000-04:00

While Uncle Glenn was at the vet the other day (his Evette is being treated for diabetes), he got to peek at my medical chart. Apparently, Mom is planning on doping me up in an effort to get me to behave. They have kitty Prozac now. Anyway, Uncle Glenn asked the meanie vet about it, and she said she would hook mom up with some kitty antidepressants. She looked up my records and Glenn saw that in giant letters at the top of the page was written "VERY AGGRESSIVE CAT." Now I have to ask, gentle reader, wouldn't you be aggressive if some strange woman and her evil vet assistants were poking and prodding you, and caging you up with a bunch of moronic cats?

Aggressive indeed. The vet can kiss my furry little black butt.

I'm going to Nehad's Kitty Resort this weekend again. Yay!
=^..^=

The Mysterious Moving Cat Carrier

2004-07-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

This morning, Mom woke up, got out of bed, and found that my cat carrier was sitting in the middle of the living room floor, upside down. She assumed I had just turned it over, until Nehad, the smart one, suggested that I had taken it out for a drive, and done a really bad job of parking. Obviously I have to go out in the wee a.m. hours, because I don't have a drivers' license or liability insurance.

Mom thinks I was driving under the influence of catnip, but she can't prove it.

Formal Complaint Filed Against Former Catsitter

2004-07-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago, my former catsitter, otherwise referred to as Uncle Glenn, used SERIOUSLY ILLEGAL means to get me into the awful kitty cage. He was petting me and loving on me for ten minutes, until I was purring like a motorcyle, and then he stuffed me in as if I were an old pair of socks he was throwing in a laundry bag. So I sent him this official letter:

Dear Uncle Glenn,

You are hereby informed that I am filing an official complaint with the Catsitters Association of America. This complaint stems from the underhanded tactics you employed to confine me to the cat carrier. By pretending to be sweet and then stuffing me in the box, you have violated Catsitter Clause 1.a which states that using misleading tactics to lure a sweet little kitty into a cat carrier is illegal.

Furthermore, I have decided to take legal action against you, and against your cats for pain and suffering. You should be receiving information from my attorney soon, as well as a summons to appear in District Kitty Court.

Shame on you for taking advantage of such sweet little innocent kitty.

Sincerely,
Sasha Louise Lewis

So then he sends me this reply, which I forwarded to my attorney of course:

Good luck, Sasha! You have to first prove you ARE a sweet little kitty!
And then you have to prove my kitties aren't sweet and didn't try to be nice to
you! And once the Catsitter's Association hears about how you connived your
way out of the ex-nun's "pen" and took advantage of a truly sweet human lady
who has made herself your mommy and puts up with your little bedroom calling
cards and such, Evette and Maurice won't have a thing to worry about! Oh, I
think you better forget your plans to become a dictator with your plans for world
domination. If that gets out, nobody will want to cat sit you.

In spite of all your complaints, we LOVE you!
Glenn, Evette, Maurice

Even though he's nice 99% of the time, I'm still filing my complaint!

Meow,
Sasha

p.s. I am not trying to take over the world with an isidious plan. Really.

Kitty Cam

2004-07-12T22:44:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to convince Annoying Mom to buy a webcam so that I might have a site like this one: http://www.kittycam.net That way, humans from all over the world can log on and worship me from afar. I'm sure there are some people who need to know what perfection looks like.

Ciao,
Sasha Louise

Sweet Slumbering Kitty Accosted by Ingrate Human

2004-07-11T23:25:00.000-04:00

Picture it: It's 7:30 a.m. Friday morning and I am snoozing on Nehad's pillow in a little kitty ball. He was sweet enough to scoot all the way over by the wall, so that I might occupy 2/3 of the queen sized bed.

I am thinking about my 8:00 a.m. bird-stalking session, and barely have time to blink my sleepy little eyes, when I hear the door open. Must be one of the servants, I think, as I get more comfortable on Nehad's pillow. When suddenly, someone snaps a COLLAR around my neck. I shake my head and find out that it also has a HIDEOUS RINGING BELL attached. And who should I see but my annoying human slave, who has once again overstepped her bounds, and attempted to collar me, the supreme feline potentate.

So I start howling and rolling and flailing around. "Mumble-mumble," says Nehad as he begins to wake up from his peaceful sleep. Just then I decide to attack the closest thing possible, which happens to be Nehad's ankle. So he freaks out and tries to dive off the bed to save himself. I start howling and run into the living room.

I am mad. Nehad is mad. Mom apologizes, and removes my collar after giving me about five kitty treats. Then she takes off to work. Seems she thought I might escape from the condo. Nehad points out everything was peaceful until SHE showed up.

I really don't understand humans these days. CATS DO NOT WEAR COLLARS. ESPECIALLY ONES WITH BELLS.

Naturally I have contacted my attorney. Which brings me to another topic, my formal complaint I have filed against my previous catsitter. More on that later. I need to take a nap.

Sasha

Kitty Club Med

2004-07-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

While the human slave is suffering through graduate school this weekend, yours truly will be vacationing in Nehad's Kitty Hotel, which is the feline equivalent of The Plaza. Unlike Mom, Nehad caters to my every whim. I think he may be afraid of me.
Anyway, he has a much bigger balcony, which is perfect for pigeon-stalking. He's also sweet enough to give me his own pillow to sleep on. I get fabulous tuna dinners and as many kitty treats as I can eat. And he has cable and a huge couch.

Unfortunately, he thinks he wants a Birman kitten. I'm trying my best to convince him otherwise. I don't want to share his penthouse apartment with a stupid kitten. Aren't I enough? I think this is all my mom's fault because she keeps brainwashing him with cute kitten pics. Gag. I think I'm gonna cough up a hairball.

Meow,
Sasha

Welcome to my blog pathetic humans

2004-07-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

Greetings,

I am Sasha Louise, supreme ruler of Apt. 109 and the rest of the universe. I am much cuter and smarter than you.

My human slave will post stories and opinions written by yours truly. I know you'll be hanging on my every word.

More later,
Sasha Louise