The Litterbox Oracle
I am now doing a monthly advice segment, The Litterbox Oracle. Because humans are dumb, and cats are smart, I will answer all of the questions that have been burning in the hearts of humans for millenia. I have all the answers to all the questions of the universe. Stare into my glowing yellow eyes, and let us begin.
IS IT LOVE, OR IS IT FANCY FEAST?
This is a really stupid question, humans. Every time you ask this on t.v., it makes me want to yak up a hairball. Of course it's the Fancy Feast you morons! Do you think we love you for your personalities? We only love you for the tuna, the nip and the kitty treats.
WHY DOES GOD LET BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE?
Probably because you aren't giving your kitties enough tuna, nip and kitty treats.
WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM?
I don't know where normal kitties come from--I can only speak for demon-possessed black Siamese Halloween kitties. We come from Catholic-run kitty orphanages, and are the products of failed exorcisms.
Tune in next month for all the answers to more of life's perplexing questions.
IS IT LOVE, OR IS IT FANCY FEAST?
This is a really stupid question, humans. Every time you ask this on t.v., it makes me want to yak up a hairball. Of course it's the Fancy Feast you morons! Do you think we love you for your personalities? We only love you for the tuna, the nip and the kitty treats.
WHY DOES GOD LET BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE?
Probably because you aren't giving your kitties enough tuna, nip and kitty treats.
WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM?
I don't know where normal kitties come from--I can only speak for demon-possessed black Siamese Halloween kitties. We come from Catholic-run kitty orphanages, and are the products of failed exorcisms.
Tune in next month for all the answers to more of life's perplexing questions.
1 Comments:
Mom tried one once when I chased her on top of the couch. She ended up yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!" repeatedly until I got bored and started licking my bum.
--SL
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