Monday, May 22, 2006

A Tale of Two Cats and a Pork Chop

Exhibit A: Fatty Catty (and a piece of the Kaiser's bum). As I mentioned before, Fatty gets to eat ice cream, chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers and other non-kosher foodstuffs from McDonalds. She's spent the last ten years with a bachelor, so this isn't entirely unexpected. However, she's such a little beggar. NO table manners whatsoever.

So anyway, the other day Mom and I were sitting down to watch some TV. Mom had reheated a nice juicy pork chop, and was about to chow down on it. She sat it on the coffee table for a bit. Fatty got wind of it. As Mom was watching TV, McTabby inched her fat but off the couch, and proceeded to stalk the pork chop. Then she leaned up on the coffee table with her front paws, and began sniffing and slowly making her way towards her juicy prey. Unbeknownst to her, as her upper half was on the coffee table, I was slowly making my way underneath the table, towards her very large beer gut. Nobody eats my Momma's pork chop!

Just as she's reaching for the pork chop, I attack, dashing at her from below the table, yowling and smacking her gut with my paw (no claws though). It scares the hell out of her and she jumps about five feet in the air. Then she comes down and we get into a fight.

This is pretty much what every day here is like now. Mom is stressed out and says she's going to put all three of us on Prozac by sneaking it into the Kaiser's meat loaf. Interestingly, me and Fatty get along ok (not great, but ok) when the Kaiser isn't around. Mom thinks his macho posturing is adding to the general cat drama.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Kittens of the Corn

Yesterday evening, Mom and the Kaiser were amazed to see me and Fatty Catty sitting together at the dining room window, staring out into the backyard. We were having a stare-off with another kitty, who was hiding just below the ridge of the ditch by our house. We could only see his creepy yellow eyes peering over the bank.

About an hour later, near dusk, there is yet another cat sitting in the same spot, staring into the house with a zombified expression. It sat out there for nearly and hour, and started creeping Mom out. Fatty and I think there is some sort of insidious plan amongst the neighborhood cats. Fatty, of course, is useless in any sort of confrontation, so it will be up to me to save the human servants from the invading cat zombie army.

In other news, the Kaiser has been eating a lot of ice cream bars lately. He actually lets Fatty eat half of it and then he finishes it himself. Mom says it's kind of gross to eat after your cat, but she's eaten after me plenty of times--she just doesn't realize how many times I've licked her pizza and licked her water glass at night. Although she did catch me using her toothbrush one time, and got all dramatic by making a big show of boiling it. Humans are so crazy.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Oh, the drama!



Here are a couple pics of me and Fatty Catty fighting over the Kaiser. Or that's what he says anyway. We're actually just fighting for the hell of it. Rowr...pffft...hissss!!!!!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

THE FACE OF EVIL



Here is a picture of my arch nemesis. She pretends to be a sweet little cat, but in actuality she is the tabby version of Fidel Castro. Note the resemblance.

My mom says I'm not helping my own case much. Last night, she was telling the Kaiser yet again what a sweet little kitty I am. Of course, just to be obstinate, I had to immediately go into Halloween kitty mode. I started hissing and growling, and my fur stood on end. It was great. The Kaiser now thinks Mom is crazy.

Stalking Fatty Catty is a very amusing way to pass an evening. I hide behind furniture and wait for her to walk by, then I dash at her and scare the bloody hell out of her. I never touch her, but she completely freaks out. She hisses and growls, and sometimes she bitch slaps me, but it's worth it.

Last night the Kaiser was picking on me, so Mom grabbed a yard stick and started smacking him with it and chasing him around. It was great. I should have sold tickets. She TOTALLY kicked his skinny German butt. That's what he gets for oppressing Sasha Louise.