Thank GOD I'm home

The Kaiser's cat was a complete beeyatch. I finally decided I would tolerate the old cow, and then she started jumping on me. To make matters worse, the Kaiser thinks he's alpha cat. He wouldn't let me climb all over the kitchen counters and the table like Mom does. Mom doesn't want him to know that though.

When they went to put me back into the cat carrier I went completely feral. I ran and hid under the bed. The Kaiser chased me out with the vacuum cleaner and Mom tried to catch me, but I'm too fast for her. She finally grabbed me, at which point I clawed and bit the hell out of her. She dropped me and I took off again, only to be caught by the Kaiser as I was hauling ass for the border. I really let him have it with the vicious hissing. My cute little ears were back and I was doing my best possessed kitty impression.

When I realized I was going home, it was all good. I just couldn't let them think they can stuff me in cat carriers at will, now could I?

Also can you believe that Mom and the Kaiser went out for his birthday and ate SEAFOOD and didn't bring me any?

BREAKING NEWS: SECTARIAN VIOLENCE BREAKS OUT IN N. WICHITA

(AP) Associated Purr-ess -- Wichita

Our reporters in the field are sending in reports of extreme hissing and growling. Fatty, a N. Wichita tabby told us the following: "I was sitting around minding my own business, when all of a sudden this INCREDIBLY INSANE black cat shows up. The next thing I knew, a rocket propelled grenade exploded right beside me. I dashed behind my litterbox, where I keep my Catlishnikov assault rifle, and immediately returned fire."

There appear to be no casualties at this time. Humans are advised to stay in their homes and take cover.

We will keep you updated at regular intervals.

Let the fur fly

Well readers, tomorrow will be an experiment in feline Darwinism. I heard mom talking, and this weekend is my first official playdate with my fat soon-to-be-roommate. I'm going to spend the night over at John's Friday and probably Saturday. Uncle Glenn has seen the carnage that ensues when I'm around other cats, but this will be a learning experience for the boyfriend. Think of our two households meshing as Brady Bunch meets the Exorcist.

Anyway, I think Fatty needs to go on a vigorous exercise regimen, so I plan on chasing her around. Also, John spends too much time on the couch, so I think I'm going to shove him off of it like I do Mom. I'm forcing Mom to bring my litterbox, cat food, cat toys and all my other paraphenalia. She says I should just rent a U-Haul. I think I need a tour bus.

I was very sweet yesterday, believe it or not. Was purring like a normal, sweet little kitty. I even cuddled up in Mom's lap. She was petting me and telling me what a sweet little angel I am. Aren't I though?

I think Mom, Glenn and Auntie Johari are going to meet for lunch tomorrow. They better not eat sushi without me. If they come home smelling like sushi, there's going to be trouble.

The Litterbox Oracle

I am now doing a monthly advice segment, The Litterbox Oracle. Because humans are dumb, and cats are smart, I will answer all of the questions that have been burning in the hearts of humans for millenia. I have all the answers to all the questions of the universe. Stare into my glowing yellow eyes, and let us begin.

IS IT LOVE, OR IS IT FANCY FEAST?

This is a really stupid question, humans. Every time you ask this on t.v., it makes me want to yak up a hairball. Of course it's the Fancy Feast you morons! Do you think we love you for your personalities? We only love you for the tuna, the nip and the kitty treats.

WHY DOES GOD LET BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE?

Probably because you aren't giving your kitties enough tuna, nip and kitty treats.

WHERE DO KITTENS COME FROM?

I don't know where normal kitties come from--I can only speak for demon-possessed black Siamese Halloween kitties. We come from Catholic-run kitty orphanages, and are the products of failed exorcisms.

Tune in next month for all the answers to more of life's perplexing questions.

A fellow blogging cat

I was really impressed with Bloggingcat.com I'm trying to gripe at the Human Servant to upgrade this blog. Unlike me, it isn't very attractive. Prince Muddypaws also has a rather extensive website: http://www.muddypaws.info/ It takes a lot to impress me, so I hope PM is grateful. :P

Sasha