Thursday, July 29, 2004

DemoCATic Convention

I don't foray into human politics that much.  After all, I am world dictatrix and have more important things to do, like nap and poop.  However, Mum has found a website that is making her more excited than a kitten chasing a yarnball.  Do take a look at Cats For Kerry.  Mum will be getting a bumper sticker for my cat carrier, and possibly a t-shirt. 

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Library Cats

Mom informs me that there is a whole website devoted to library cats.   Click on the previous link and you can track them down by geographical location.  My Arkansas cousins should check out the library cats in their area.  Another black cat comrade managed to infiltrate the ranks of the Arkansas School for the Blind library.

Mom says I would suck at being a library cat, and that patronage would drop off dramatically.  Furthermore, I'm not lazy enough to be a library cat. 

Mom is going through another kitten phase, and she would love to have a Chartreau.  For those of you uneducated humans, these blue-colored cats are French and historically protected medieval manuscript libraries from evil, book-munching rats.    What I wouldn't give for a night of stalking rats in a dank medieval monastary.  Tasty.  Maybe I should call Mary M., a certain former nun with whom I am well acquainted, and see if she can hook me up. 

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Who needs internet filtering...

when you've got a neurotic cat? 

Today, Nehad was on his computer.  He has a nice computer desk with three levels.  On the lower level there's a slide-out keyboard tray.  The second level is a writing desk, with a large area.  This is where he puts the mouse.  Then the monitor is on a shelf above. 

He decided he would rather ignore me and surf the net than play, so I plopped my little furry butt on the shelf with the mouse.  Everytime he reached for the mouse, I would meow angrily and swat him with my paw.  If he didn't heed my warning, I would bite him.  He tried to outsmart me by using the keyboard shortcuts, but that didn't work either.  I kept attacking his fingers as he tried to type. 

Later, I got a bad case of gas.  Nehad decided to get even with me by burying my feather toy in his huge load of dirty, smelly socks.  I dove right in of course to retrieve it.  While I'll have to say his socks didn't smell like a bed of roses, they weren't that stinky.  My litterbox has made me impervious to bad smells.  

I don't understand these humans sometimes.  When will they learn that when I want to play, they need to drop everyting.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

VERY AGGRESSIVE CAT

While Uncle Glenn was at the vet the other day (his Evette is being treated for diabetes), he got to peek at my medical chart.  Apparently, Mom is planning on doping me up in an effort to get me to behave.  They have kitty Prozac now.  Anyway, Uncle Glenn asked the meanie vet about it, and she said she would hook mom up with some kitty antidepressants.  She looked up my records and Glenn saw that in giant letters at the top of the page was written "VERY AGGRESSIVE CAT."  Now I have to ask, gentle reader, wouldn't you be aggressive if some strange woman and her evil vet assistants were poking and prodding you, and caging you up with a bunch of moronic cats?

Aggressive indeed.  The vet can kiss my furry little black butt. 

I'm going to Nehad's Kitty Resort this weekend again.  Yay! 
=^..^=

Friday, July 16, 2004

The Mysterious Moving Cat Carrier

This morning, Mom woke up, got out of bed, and found that my cat carrier was sitting in the middle of the living room floor, upside down.  She assumed I had just turned it over, until Nehad, the smart one, suggested that I had taken it out for a drive, and done a really bad job of parking.  Obviously I have to go out in the wee a.m. hours, because I don't have a drivers' license or liability insurance. 
 
Mom thinks I was driving under the influence of catnip, but she can't prove it. 
 
 

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Formal Complaint Filed Against Former Catsitter

Not too long ago, my former catsitter, otherwise referred to as Uncle Glenn, used SERIOUSLY ILLEGAL means to get me into the awful kitty cage. He was petting me and loving on me for ten minutes, until I was purring like a motorcyle, and then he stuffed me in as if I were an old pair of socks he was throwing in a laundry bag. So I sent him this official letter:

Dear Uncle Glenn,

You are hereby informed that I am filing an official complaint with the Catsitters Association of America. This complaint stems from the underhanded tactics you employed to confine me to the cat carrier. By pretending to be sweet and then stuffing me in the box, you have violated Catsitter Clause 1.a which states that using misleading tactics to lure a sweet little kitty into a cat carrier is illegal.

Furthermore, I have decided to take legal action against you, and against your cats for pain and suffering. You should be receiving information from my attorney soon, as well as a summons to appear in District Kitty Court.

Shame on you for taking advantage of such sweet little innocent kitty.

Sincerely,
Sasha Louise Lewis

So then he sends me this reply, which I forwarded to my attorney of course:

Good luck, Sasha! You have to first prove you ARE a sweet little kitty!
And then you have to prove my kitties aren't sweet and didn't try to be nice to
you! And once the Catsitter's Association hears about how you connived your
way out of the ex-nun's "pen" and took advantage of a truly sweet human lady
who has made herself your mommy and puts up with your little bedroom calling
cards and such, Evette and Maurice won't have a thing to worry about! Oh, I
think you better forget your plans to become a dictator with your plans for world
domination. If that gets out, nobody will want to cat sit you.

In spite of all your complaints, we LOVE you!
Glenn, Evette, Maurice

Even though he's nice 99% of the time, I'm still filing my complaint!

Meow,
Sasha

p.s. I am not trying to take over the world with an isidious plan. Really.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Kitty Cam

I'm trying to convince Annoying Mom to buy a webcam so that I might have a site like this one: http://www.kittycam.net That way, humans from all over the world can log on and worship me from afar. I'm sure there are some people who need to know what perfection looks like.

Ciao,
Sasha Louise

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Sweet Slumbering Kitty Accosted by Ingrate Human

Picture it: It's 7:30 a.m. Friday morning and I am snoozing on Nehad's pillow in a little kitty ball. He was sweet enough to scoot all the way over by the wall, so that I might occupy 2/3 of the queen sized bed.

I am thinking about my 8:00 a.m. bird-stalking session, and barely have time to blink my sleepy little eyes, when I hear the door open. Must be one of the servants, I think, as I get more comfortable on Nehad's pillow. When suddenly, someone snaps a COLLAR around my neck. I shake my head and find out that it also has a HIDEOUS RINGING BELL attached. And who should I see but my annoying human slave, who has once again overstepped her bounds, and attempted to collar me, the supreme feline potentate.

So I start howling and rolling and flailing around. "Mumble-mumble," says Nehad as he begins to wake up from his peaceful sleep. Just then I decide to attack the closest thing possible, which happens to be Nehad's ankle. So he freaks out and tries to dive off the bed to save himself. I start howling and run into the living room.

I am mad. Nehad is mad. Mom apologizes, and removes my collar after giving me about five kitty treats. Then she takes off to work. Seems she thought I might escape from the condo. Nehad points out everything was peaceful until SHE showed up.

I really don't understand humans these days. CATS DO NOT WEAR COLLARS. ESPECIALLY ONES WITH BELLS.

Naturally I have contacted my attorney. Which brings me to another topic, my formal complaint I have filed against my previous catsitter. More on that later. I need to take a nap.

Sasha

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Kitty Club Med

While the human slave is suffering through graduate school this weekend, yours truly will be vacationing in Nehad's Kitty Hotel, which is the feline equivalent of The Plaza. Unlike Mom, Nehad caters to my every whim. I think he may be afraid of me.
Anyway, he has a much bigger balcony, which is perfect for pigeon-stalking. He's also sweet enough to give me his own pillow to sleep on. I get fabulous tuna dinners and as many kitty treats as I can eat. And he has cable and a huge couch.

Unfortunately, he thinks he wants a Birman kitten. I'm trying my best to convince him otherwise. I don't want to share his penthouse apartment with a stupid kitten. Aren't I enough? I think this is all my mom's fault because she keeps brainwashing him with cute kitten pics. Gag. I think I'm gonna cough up a hairball.

Meow,
Sasha


Welcome to my blog pathetic humans

Greetings,

I am Sasha Louise, supreme ruler of Apt. 109 and the rest of the universe. I am much cuter and smarter than you.

My human slave will post stories and opinions written by yours truly. I know you'll be hanging on my every word.

More later,
Sasha Louise