I'm getting paroled tomorrow

Mom says she's bailing me out of the lockup tomorrow. I'm pretty pissed, and will probably make her miserable for the next week. Usually I give a few days of the silent treatment, followed by biting the crap out of her on a daily basis.

In other news, the whole NE kitty community is abuzz with the news that Uncle Glenn locked himself out of his house. Evette reports laughing at him from the other side of the window as he struggled to find a way in. She figured this was payback for the time he forgot about her and left her overnight at the vet's.

Gee I never have that problem. If Mom doesn't pick me up right away, they start calling her and bitching her out. For some reason, they don't like me. Can't imagine why.

Feline Prison Blues

Saturday Mom dumped me off at Camp Cupcake Kitty Prison, also known as Countryside Pet Resort. Now I know how Martha Stewart felt. I howled all the way to Andover. I finally quit howling Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. I admit that I like the kitty play room with the aquarium, but I would stillrather be at the casa. Mom says there are maintenance guys working on the apartment this week, and she doesn't want me to bite them again. I'm already trying to engineer a prison break. I've been slipping notes to the kitties on my cellblock, including a big fluffy gray Persian named Conan. However, I can't seem to motivate him to help me. All he does is sleep and lick himself. I've tried howling and poking him, but he just lays there like a big bump on a log. What is with these other cats? Don't they want to be free? The rest have elected me leader of their prison gang. I'm gnawing one of the bars of my cage into a shank right now, so I better go.

Oh humans....

I know ya'll don't have fur, but is this how you make up for it? You go outside looking worse than my litterbox?

I've been looking at human celebrity fashion lately, and I just don't get it. I mean, I know humans are dumb, but even my Mom has the sense to not wear white socks with flip-flops.

If I saw this guy on the street, I would bite him immediately.

Speaking of socks, that rumor about me liking to roll around in Nihad's pile of dirty socks is blatantly false!

Full Moon Fever

Last weekend was a full moon so I decided to scare the bloody hell out of Mom again. Because I'm bored, and I need some practice for Halloween, I pretend to be demon possessed or possessed by jinn. It makes my life much more exciting. I have fun scaring both Christians and Muslims, because I believe in religious diversity.

So, around midnight, whilst Mom was up reading, I ran into the living room suddenly and started my unearthly howling. Then my hair stood on end and I started running around the living room howling, and knocking things over. Mom told me to calm down, but instead my ears went back and I started levitating sideways across the living room floor. Whenever I do the levitating sideways Siamese move, the humans really get scared. At that point, Mom leapt onto the couch and started reciting the Lord's Prayer in Latin, since that was all she could think to do at that moment. I started hissing, and baring my fangs menacingly. Finally she yelled "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" and I finally plopped down and started purring and licking myself, as if nothing had happened.

It was a very enjoyable evening. I only wish I had it on video. The only thing more fun than scaring Mom is eating live mice.

Nota Bene, Humans

Greetings inferior furless bipeds. In case you haven't noticed, Halloween is rapidly approaching. Not only am I the official Spokescat of Halloween, but it's also my birthday. So I want you all to immediately go buy me gifts! Right now! I want sushi, mice and kitty treats. Or else!

The Black Cats Union Local 13 had a meeting recently to plan our yearly campaign of human intimidation. I got to practice on Nihad, who came down this weekend to visit. I enjoyed biting him several times, and poking him in the face with my paw when he fell asleep during the movie mom rented.

So far, the plan is to scare the hell out of as many humans as possible, particularly my mom. Recently, Mom was listening to "Nativity in Black" by Black Sabbath, and I did my best demon-possessed cat impression. I ambushed her as she came out of the bathroom. Gnashing teeth, crazed appearance, the works. So now Mom is afraid to listen to her Black Sabbath cds around me. I got extra pay for that from the Union.

Well, it's time to go back to napping and licking myself. Have to save up my strength for tonight when Mom gets home.